Statement 11. 1/04/25

Statement begins.

So it's the beginning of the year.

I'm almost ashamed to say that last year was a better one for me, what with everything else going on. I applied to colleges and got pre-accepted to 2. I got a wonderful boyfriend. I started making more solid plans for the future. I got on Adderall! That might be the best one. jk.

Now the future looks like graduating with 3 associates degrees, going to a CSU, moving out with my brother. Seeing more plays and musicals. Presenting my poetry more, I'm hoping, since I got taste of that last year. Doing more art, if I have the time.

I'm more anxious about the future than I have ever been. It feels like I've been forced out of autopilot and I don't have the tools to drive myself. Last time I moved, I was dissociating-I just needed to be somewhere, so I went along with whatever would get me there. I was moving automatically, floating forward through my life like a ghost. Now it's up to me. I make the decisions. If they're bad, it's on me. If they don't work out, it's my money spent. It's wonderful. It's a nightmare.

I think I'm doing, overall, better. Some habits haven't budged but some have let up immensely. I rarely actually want to kill myself now. We'll see how my nightmare setup (micro econ, human anatomy, research in psych, human development) of classes next semester treats me.

Here's to hoping it gets even better. I'm still exhausted a lot of the time. It's gonna take a lot to keep me moving like that.

Statement ends.