Statement 10. 3/25/24

Statement begins.

So it's been over a year since my first entry here, and a bit over a year since I started this Neocities.

I read back on my first entry here. It's longer than the rest of them, I think, which implies hope. I got lazier, I guess. I got busier, more than anything else.

I haven't really changed, I don't think. I'm still deeply entrenched in trauma. I'm still scared most of the time. I'm still doing a poor job at making and keeping friends-though that's improving. It catches me off guard when people want to interact with me. A highschool friend invited me to coffee. A different one called me just to talk shit. Me, of all people?

I don't know why people put up with me, still, except when I do. Except when I bring someone to a concert for one of their favorite artists, one they wouldn't have gone to without me. Except when I buy merch for someone when they have to leave before they can at that concert. Except for when I take people to shows they wouldn't see without me. Except when I go out of my way to tell someone that I'm there for them, as often as possible, to no avail. I am so good at making myself worth keeping around. I can't seem to make that into a compliment on me, a good part of my character-I just can't be left behind. Again. More.

When I wrote that first entry, I didn't know Alec. Now he's moved to a different state. I come back to not knowing him, despite spending days on end playing mario kart and smoking weed in the dorm we both lived in, despite meeting his boyfriend. Another fucking state. I can't help but think that I'm somehow easy to leave. It keeps happening.

I do drugs a lot more now. Of all kinds. Somehow, I can't see this as a negative. I like my shrooms, my lsd. Molly if I think I need it. Sleeping pills when I feel shit enough and need a different sort of high. Still, weed daily, though. And alcohol whenever I can get it.

I guess I have to say that I'm happier. Just to be out of the fucking house. I stay stuck in the past and terrified of the future-so I guess I never changed there. Statement ends.