Statement begins. 4/16/23
So I've been having a rough one.
Guess who got super high and totally traumadumped on one of his friends! I want to apologize, but it's been a few days, and I have a feeling he'd just brush it off anyway. We traumadump at eachother a ton anyway, and it's not like it makes me uncomfortable when he does it, but it felt like I made him uncomfortable? But that might've just been because I was kind of having a breakdown. He thought I was on the verge of a panic attack. I think having a panic attack and having someone there to comfort me would've helped me more than any amount of therapy ever has.
Good came of it. I think I unlocked something. I think I tend to unlock shit like that while talking to him, specifically-whether that's a good sign, or a bad one, I don't actually know. Maybe I can just really open up to him in a way I can't with anyone else. Maybe something about him is so triggering and stressful that it brings that out. Who's to say.
Having to move continues to stress the shit out of me. I don't know what to do next, where to go, what move to make. What to pack next. It's completely overwhelming. I don't know how he seemed to do it with no problems. But he was always better at hiding his problems than me.
I always forget how little I cry now, until I cry again. I did after saying bye to him. It's not forever, I know that. He can't get rid of me that easily. But being there was so... easy, yknow? Being able to be in the same room as him, talking to him. Joking. Smoking together! God, I love smoking with him, it's so funny. I miss that. I miss him. Sometimes I'm worried that I'll never stop missing him. That I'm gonna have that burden on me forever.
I just want to meet my roommates and have people to talk to again, I think. I've been so fucking isolated since I graduated.
Oh, prom was last night. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't there-I don't go to that school anymore and I graduated early. That would've been my last chance at a highschool dance. I didn't go to any. I think this year would've been like, my only oppurtunity to do so. I haven't really worked out how I feel about that. Not great, namely. Sometimes I regret graduating early. But then again, I get to leave early. I get to fucking MOVE.
Anyway. I think I unlocked something while having a breakdown at someone. I think there's a decent chance I don't remember a lot of middle school because I was being groomed through it. I didn't recognize it as grooming at the time, but I kind of have a feeling that that can still affect you. Like somewhere I knew that it wasn't right, so I was real disassociated. And now I just don't remember most of middle school. And 6th grade. And freshman year.
I feel like I had more to say. I'll add more if I do.