Statement begins. 5/2/24

My brother tried to kill himself almost a year ago and I didn't know.

I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know if he was planning on telling me at all. He actually seemed surprised that he hadn't-assumed that he mentioned it at some point, I guess. One of his friends can't know. One knows when, but not that they talked to him that same night. His roommates know that it happened, but not when-not that one of them talked to him right beforehand. I wonder if I talked to him that night too. He wouldn't tell me even if I had.

It was a rash decision. Got in a fight with his dad. Decided to try to overdose-wanted to go like his aunt, I guess, to "see if he'd talk about me like he talks about her,"-which is how I learned how she did it. He was manic, wasn't following the suicide plan that he'd always had-I can't pretend that I'm surprised he had a plan, I always did too.

It didn't work. He tried pills, not enough, alcohol and weed. Couldn't find the rest of his leftover pills. He found them recently. It scares me, a little. He said the pills-old depression meds-kicked in early on, and he calmed down, stopped wanting to die. Then the weed kicked in, and he started panicking. Alcohol kicked in, and he couldn't stand. I wonder if he would've said anything if it was working-if he decided he didn't want to die anymore, but he was actually dying anyway. I wonder if he would've called for help, or if he would've been capable of doing so, or if he would've just let it happen.

He was on his porch. He would've just died alone on his porch. His roommates would've had to find him dead on his porch. Probably would've led to one of them trying to kill herself too.

How would I have found out? Would his roommates have contacted me? Would they have thought to? Would I have had to text one of them, confused that he hadn't been online at all? What about his dad-I don't know if either of them have his number. I don't really think he would've been contacted by a hospital-by the time they would have found him, it would have been far too late.

I just can't stop thinking about it. He tried not to tell me the details, I had to push him-he didn't want to freak me out. And that's fair, I guess, since getting the details did freak me out more-but I think not knowing would have been worse anyway. There wasn't any way of me feeling okay about the situation.

If he just found all of his pills that night, he'd be dead by now. Would have been dead a year ago. I would have lost him a fucking year ago. Dead on his porch. At 20. Wouldn't have even lived to drink legally.

I can't lose another brother. I think losing him would kill me. I think I'd really try to kill myself. Or at least hurt myself bad enough to warrant a mental hospital. He can't know that, even if I kind of think it would knock some sense into him. Fuck. He'd just be dead. Wouldn't have gotten his dog. Wouldn't even meet my boyfriend. Wouldn't get a chance to meet someone himself. Dead on his fucking porch.

Statement ends.